LEGENDARY

More stories of note from our LEGENDARY trip to Las Vegas:

All cocktail waitresses at Bally's are old. I mean 65+ old. There was one who was probably just 50, but she had a knee brace. It's where old cocktail waitresses go to die. One night we nicknamed our cocktail waitress Grandma (no to her face of course!). But we had an even older one (70+) on our last night. She was called Grandma's Grandma and had wicked pencil-outlined lips filled in with a nasty light pink. She would hover next to you until you tipped after each drink. We also decided that they would be better off (as would we) if Bally's let their cocktail waitresses ride Rascals. Just think of all the drinks they could carry!

I initiated V into the wonders of Deadliest Catch thanks to their Labor Day marathon. Dude, that show rocks. Especially when you are wasted in Vegas.

The customer service at Bally's was exceptional. The front desk gal got us into adjoining rooms. The Spa attendant was hysterical. The Spa manager was fun. The dealers rocked. Even the one from Minnesota! The only downside to Bally's...no restaurants or room service after midnight. WTF? V & I had to go to the vending machine at 1 a.m. when a wicked case of the munchies hit.

Favorite dealers at Bally's: Ladanna, Pinky (swear to gawd), Minnesota guy. We actually shouted down a dealer who thought it was her turn to take over his table. HE'S JUST ON BREAK. HE'S HERE TILL 4!!!! We wanted Minnesota guy back. And we got him.

Favorite table mates: V of course, who never hits on a 16 and sometimes hits on a 14 when the dealer is showing a 3 (GAH!); impeccably dressed Jewish mommy of 2 from Dallas who asked if V was my friend. Then asked if she knew she was "FUCKING the table taking that hit?" Priceless. Also her husband stood at the table a while and commented that they never met people like them (I assumed cynical, dirty, mocking and very drunk); also enjoyed the company of the late 40s gal from Minnesota who sat down and said she was "kind of quiet." By the end of the hour she was asking where that "fucking waitress" was with her beer and hollering each time she won. I live to teach, people.

But by far, the hot doctor who played blackjack with us until 4:30 a.m. was the icing on the cake. An adorable 30-year-old orthopedic surgeon from DC sat down at our table and nearly charmed the pants off all of us. Seriously. OK, so he was just a resident, but still hot. When a Japanese tourist tried to sit in V's chair while she was in the restroom, Doc let him know it was taken IN JAPANESE!!! Right then and there I told him he was so hottttt I could kiss him on the mouth. He giggled and said he had been stationed in Okinawa. WTF? Oh yeah, he had been in the military. He was married, but contemplating divorce since his very successful surgeon wife took a job in another state. Oh you poor, good looking, sweet, sweet doctor man. Rest your awesome head on my shoulder and just let it all out. Mmmmmm...hot vulnerable doctor. I actually asked if he wanted us to make a doctor sandwich. Again, seriously.

THE GREAT RASCAL CAPER

V & I met up for a four-day, three-night stay in Vegas. No hubby, no kid and three comped spa treatments each. Food, drinks, antacid, fun. Legendary.

A couple days before departing, I read this story about people renting motorized wheelchair/scooters (like the Rascal) in Vegas because they are too lazy to walk a million miles down The Strip to get their next gigantic frozen daiquiri in a yard-long plastic Eiffel Tower or Stratosphere replica. Lazy fucks. Grab a taxi like the rest of us or go join the Midwesterners on the sidewalk. That got me thinking (and drinking) and talking with V. We decided we needed to Rascal-jack someone. Not the healthy but lazy folks. No, we wanted to jack a person who really needed it since we would have a better chance of out running them due to disability or age. We really wanted a Rascal of our own and decided that the elevator would be our best bet for a successful Rascal-jacking. Just get in, then push the person out of the Rascal and exit on the next floor, leaving the Rascalee laying in the elevator unable to follow. Of course we would hit the button for the top floor giving us just a little more time to elude capture before the Rascalee could claw to the emergency phone. But alas, no Rascal riders ever fell prey to our deviously simple plan. But damn if we didn't laugh until Bailey's shot out of our noses every time we passed a Rascal in the casino.

Legendary. More stories to follow.

PARIS NOT PERRIS

I left for Vegas Wed. afternoon and stayed at Paris (as opposed to Perris - HA HA. Only V will get that.). Is it me or are all hotel rooms in Vegas starting to look alike? Nice enough, but meeh. The trade show was Thurs., so I spent the rest of the time gambling, drunk and sleeping.

The sourcing wing of the trade show was about 98% Asian manufacturers. Of course we were looking for a factory in Mexico or South America. Luckily I found one Mexican manufacturer (in the state of Yucatan) who seemed nice and provides just what we need. Doing business in Mexico solves a couple issues: 1) they are not China; 2) NAFTA means no import/export fees/taxes/tariffs or quotas; 3) Yucatan is in the central timezone; 4) everyone speaks English; 5) it's near Cancun & the Mayan ruins so there are vacation possibilities.

I went to another section of the convention center for the retail apparel show for women, juniors, kids, and accessories. Big f-n show. The men's show was in yet another hall of the convention center. You had to ride a shuttle to get to the different halls. Then they had 11 bus routes to return you to your lovely hotel. Big business, big show, big, big, big. I talked with a couple other mom-owned small businesses from SoCal and traded some tips. They were nice enough to let me take pics of their booths and tell me how to make it look good on a budget. I swear I walked 5+ miles despite the buses and shuttles.

After organizing all of the business cards, notes and brochures back at the hotel, I went down to have some fun around 6 p.m. I played blackjack for hours and drank at least 10 tiny Malibu & diet cokes. I didn't think I was drunk, but back in the room at midnight I promptly started watching an infomercial on the big flat screen and ate a Snickers bar. Unfortunately I also realized I couldn't sleep because of the frickin caffeine. More infomercials and some Law & Order fixed me right up.

The Girl watched my plane take off Wed. and land on Fri. in Santa Maria. She thought it was really neat and wanted to know about the pilot and what the inside of the plane looked like. She did pretty well with the in-laws, but picked up a snotty nose and fever from Nana. We came back Sun. to relax and get better before The Hubby returns Mon. night.

PS - I forgot that the free nights at Paris were part of some Coach bag promotion, so after the registration person reminded me, I picked out an adorable little black purse ($198 retail!) for free!!! It did however cost me $400 in gambling for that free purse and 2-night stay. But did I mention... I WAS ALONE FOR 48 WHOLE HOURS?!?!?!

V IS FOR VEGAS, BABY!

Happy V Day. No not Valentine's Day. Today is Vegas day, baby! I'm heading to my happiest place on earth for a trade show. Hopefully I will be able to find a sewing contractor for these damn shoes that I keep thinking are going to launch my career as a wildly successful business woman. In addition to the show on Thurs., I plan on getting quite drunk and gambling and eating and sleeping in a king-sized bed all by myself. Heaven. F'n A!

The Hubby left for the Miami boat show this a.m. and I will head up to the in-laws today to drop The Kid with them. I'm flying out of Santa Maria (yes they have an airport) direct to Vegas for $101 total. Plus I have a free room at Paris. Plus I have $50 "free" money to eat with from our friends at Paris. Ka-ching, more money to gamble with.

This is quite possibly the best Valentine's Day EVER!

DISPATCHES FROM DUBAI

From The Hubby:

Wanted to say hello. Started working today. Met with the race team. Incredible facilities. They have 35 full-time employees. Slept pretty poorly last night so I went downstairs and finished the editor's column. One less than to worry about.

My reply:
If you can't sleep, just take an Ambien before bed!!! Dork. You have 10. Use them.

And another email right before he goes off to buy me wonderful stuff at a souk (Middle Eastern bazaar-type place with 300+ gold jewelry vendors):

We're off to the gold souk soon. This afternoon we're doing the camel rides etc. out in the desert.

What do you think the etc. is?

ANOTHER POSTCARD FROM DUBAI

The Hubby checks in from his business trip in Dubai:

Day went fairly quickly even though most us didn't sleep much. We went to the Sail hotel and had lunch (Grace will have to go to a junior college now). Beautiful on the outside and pretty tacky on the inside. We saw the Palm Island and the World Island under construction.

We met up with the race team and will
get to work tomorrow. Should be a cool story. Tom is doing a great job driving. Jeff and I went to breakfast this morning at a super cool resort. Good meal and beautiful location. We've become locals. We pretty much know how to travel the area. Traffic is awful just like Los Angeles. Lastly, the number of buildings under construction is unbelievable. There is at least 100 high-rise buildings under construction, no kidding. Take care. The week is going very quickly.

DUBAI = MINIATURE GOLF COURSE BUT MUCH MUCH BIGGER

Two notes from The Hubby who is on a business trip to Dubai with three co-workers. Today's a.m. dispatch:

We're about to venture out on the town. We had lunch on the 25th floor with gorgeous views of the city. Pretty amazing stuff. Adjacent to the hotel they've started construction on the second Palm Island. Got a pretty good night of sleep. Little tired but I'm adjusting. Everyone seems to be feeling pretty good. We're going to meet up with the Yacht Club folks later today or tomorrow to get moving forward with the stories. I forgot I was here to work. I'll keep in touch.

Today's p.m. dispatch:

We're about to shut down for the night. One major theme so far: We all have an overwhelming urge to play miniature golf. The only thing missing is the windmill. We got a rental car today and Tom is serving as the driver. Drivers are assholes so Tom fits right in. We also picked up two cell phones for local use. There are about a million shops that sell them here. We went to the world's largest mall and well it's the world's largest mall. Jeff went snowboarding at the mall and thinks he got wind burned. Nice place but I've seen it America.

Finally, I forgot to mention this. On the flight they have one of those in-house GPS screens so you can watch the distance traveled. Interestingly, we split the difference between Iraq and Iran coming here, mainly flying on the Iran side. Jeff noticed that we went up to 41,000 feet for that section of the trip (we normally flew at 35,000) . We all proceeded to take picture of ourselves with the screen in the background.

I hope the kid is treating you well. Off to bed now. Love you.

POSTCARDS FROM DUBAI

Received this email from The Hubby this afternoon:

After nearly 25 hours in airplanes and watching two sunsets and sunrises, we made it to Dubai. The hotel is goregous but a little pricey for our budget. We may be moving. We didn't get in until 3 am Dubai time. Remember, is 12 hours ahead of the United States. I'll try to give you updates when I can. So far so good. I love you.

THE HUBBY TAKES A ROAD TRIP

The Hubby left for an eight-day business trip to Dubai today. For the uninitiated, Dubai one of the seven United Arab Emirates, across the gulf from Iran, bordering Saudi Arabia and Oman on the other sides. It is considered a cosmopolitan city that is a tourist destination known for their gold, shopping, interesting architecture, tall buildings and the big palm tree islands.




He left LAX at 11 a.m. this morning and arrives tomorrow at 11 p.m. Dubai time. It's easy to figure out the time difference since it is 12 hours. So he will have been travelling for 24 hours. Fun! He is going to email us so I will post anything of interest. He is going to Dubai for a boat festival and powerboat races. But he will have some time for sightseeing and jewelry & trinket buying.

PS: I hope you are all playing around with Google Earth. You can see your house or your old boyfriend's house or Dubai's palm islands or lots of other places.

Tonight I showed The Girl how her Daddy flew from LA to NY to London to Dubai via Google Earth. She wanted to know why we couldn't see his plane and since I think she's a bit young to grasp the concept of satellites, I told her he was in an invisible airplane. Years of therapy, I know.