OPERATION AGGRAVATION

This is what The Girl's agenda looked like on Friday:

• 6 am - wake up early (WTF? I usually sleep til 7:30! oh well!) and watch PBS while Daddy tries to snooze on the couch with me
• 7 - wake Mama up again, this time using the patented Cock-a-doodle-do (CADD) Method; Daddy goes back to bed
• 7:15 - annoy Mama by peeing in the shower (with Mama is in the shower too)
• 7:45 - wake Daddy up again using the CADD Method
• 8 - Cuddle up on couch wrapped in towels and comforter to watch more TV
• 8:30 - start snoring on the couch when Mama tries to feed me breakfast
• 9 - wake slowly and grudgingly as Mama tries to put tights and leotard on for tap class
• 9:30 - Wolf down a pb&j on the way to Starbucks (sheesh! Mama HAS to have a chai) then decide I need to pee just as we are getting back into the car
• 9:45 - tap my little heart out
• 11 - begin full frontal assault on Mama's nerves while at Costco by trying to touch everything and refusing to stay seated in cart (despite bribe of gum)
• 11:45 - back at home completely undress in order to go potty; get body wedged in toilet, butt in the water; drop tiara in toilet as I am helped out of predicament by Mama; gleefully climb into the bathtub for second bath of the day
• 12-12:45 pm - ignore hearty lunch, ignore new chalk for blackboard and continue to annoy Mama during her computer time
• 12:50 - ask to draw with chalk on front porch but actually run away to neighbor's house
• 12:52 - grudgingly return home when nosy neighbor thinks I shouldn't be outside alone
• 12:53 - Mama is mortified! Hahahahahahaha!
• 1:30 - wear Mama down so she agrees to take me swimming with friend
• 2-3 - as I get into the pool, say "The water is frickin' warm!" in front of friend and parent of friend; get out and pee on the grass behind planter at the pool (cuz I can't just pee in the pool like the rest of the frickin' kids); jump back in; swim; swim; swim; unknowingly splash Mama a lot; continue splashing after Mama points it out and asks me to stop; swim really well; jump in to Mama more
• 3-3:30 - get out, get dressed, have snacks, head for home
• 3:45 - look at fish store before going to Von's; writhe on floor after viewing all fish and anemones, dirtying pants a little
• 4 - continue Operation Aggravation in the brief 5-minute trip to Von's by first laying in the basket of the cart, then repeatedly squirming, completely dirtying my THIRD outfit of the day in the process.
• 4:30-5 - blah blah OpAg still going strong; play in backyard; chase cats around the yard; plead several times to be liberated from toy-filled backyard to unsafe & unmonitored front yard; say please; find only muddy spot in yard and squish it between toes; wipe most off outside, but attempt to "wash" feet in toilet; make mess; yell for help from mom; enjoy third bath (not counting swimming pool); eat apple & juice in the tub!
• 5:30 - Mama said I can't get out of bathtub until Daddy is home.
• 5:32 - Get out of bathtub without telling Mama. Oops, Dad's not home yet. Play in room with blocks and other fun stuff completely naked and wet because Mama says she's too crabby to deal with me.
• 6 - Daddy's home! Greet him as long lost hero.
• 6:02 - Begin Operation Aggravation on Daddy.
• 6:10 - Walk with parents to dinner up the street; dawdle; lose one fuchsia croc in middle of crosswalk as 10 cars wait; get indignant; drive Daddy over the edge while Mama walks ahead acting as if she doesn't know us; cry
• 6:30 - eat; talk loud; try to escape under table (BTW did you know there is gum under there?); put shoes on table; put feet on table; attempt to lay on table
• 7-8 - back at home try to stay away from Mommy and play only with Daddy, per Daddy's stern directions; follow Mama from room to room asking for stuff and telling her stories
• 8:30 - attempt to draw out bedtime by asking to read one million books; agree to three books
• 8:45 - lights out; tell Mama I'm not tired and run to Daddy; eat yogurt
• 9 - plead for teeeeeeveeeeeeee; get put back in bed; continue to anger Mama by saying "I'm not tired" despite red, droopy eyes and multiple yawns
• 9:02 - Uh oh, Mama called Daddy in for backup. Grudgingly go to sleep with mean Daddy while mean Mama does laundry.
• 9:05 - dream of ways I can perfect the CAAD Method and continue OpAg on both parents. Look sweet while sleeping.

So to recap: three baths, innumerable outfits, a tiara in the toilet, a stuck kid in toilet, feet in toilet, swimming, tap dance, eating, playing, making me crazy. Today was a bad one. Naps must be worked back into the rotation. Maybe tomorrow will be better. On the bright side, no one died.

GO GET YOUR LOLLIPOP NOW

The Girl earned her lollipop and a whale today at swim class. Kids get a lollipop after every lesson, but today...TODAY...she also graduated from the Super Guppy class. Oh the pride. From tears to smiles in eight short lessons. There were actually a couple tears today when she had to jump in the deep end. A couple screaming crybaby wailers in the group threw her off her game. Fuckin' babies. But BRAVO to The Girl. Super Guppies Rule!!!!

I'M NERVOUS

SWIM LESSONS DAY 2: I took pictures because I figured if I hid behind my camera, I wouldn't feel the crushing weight of mother guilt (misguided guilt, I know). Didn't work.

DAY 3: Yesterday morning The Girl told me she was "nervous" about her swim lessons. Heart breaking. But I put on my "everything is fine face" and packed her into the car.

DAY 4: There were no tears on day four and the number of times she asked "Is it time to get out?" lessened from double digits to four. She told her daddy and the neighbors that she is not going back (wisely avoiding saying this to me) but hasn't asked to stay home, yet. So in the meantime, I just tell myself this is not scary, it's the basis for a safe, strong swimmer. Who would have thought swimming lessons for The Girl would have turned me into a basketcase?

SHE TURNED THREE & THEN I CRIED AT SWIM CLASS

The past three days have been an alternating mix of fun/hectic/emotionally draining. The Girl turned three yesterday. That was not emotionally draining. Her birthday was fun with a splash of hectic. And a visit with a dear pal was definitely fun. So, we'll just save the emotional swimming (not a metaphor) for later.

The festivities started with a cupcake feast at the park on Friday for The Girl and her little pals from our moms group. There were Curious George party hats, frosting-covered faces and kazoos for everyone! Woo hoo!

Saturday was major yardwork including bush whacking, grass mowing and tree trimming (and none of it in a good Vegas kind of way). Throw in a touch of housework and a nearly-three-year-old and I nearly died of heatstroke/humidity overload (again, I see you rolling your eyes in FL & TN!!!). But it got better with a visit from our friend Gerri-Lynn. I was miraculously saved by a yummy dinner out at Zoey's, catching up on each others' lives and families with Gerri, and an iced chai from the Bucks.

Sunday's Birthday extravaganza-lite (now with 10 fewer screaming kids at my house!!!) started with a cupcake brunch followed by lunch at Chuck E. Cheese's for The Girl, her pal Sean, his mom Melissa & baby Kelley, and the in-laws. The hubby was in charge of tokens and keeping an eye on the kids. My job was keeping the in-laws from pistol whipping the singing rat and the unruly, unwashed children. Crisis averted. Total time for auditory assaulting fun & pizza = one hour.

Then the presents were opened and opened and opened. And there was a lengthy interlude for present assembly (by me) and napping (by hubby) and cartoons (The Girl). Then more food with the in-laws and cake. Followed by a sleeping Birthday Girl at 8:30. Miracles never cease.

One of her presents was swimming lessons from us & the in-laws. And how fun is it that the lessons started today, just one day after receiving the exciting news and two new bathing suits!!! My gawd we could hardly contain ourselves. Until she got into the water. Without me. And struggled not to cry. And then the teacher took her underwater. Oh the tears. From me. Then her. But! She finished the full hour. Luckily I left the camera at home, because I just could not bear to look at a picture of her sitting on the steps, elbow on the pool deck, leaning her forehead on her hand, struggling to hold back tears. Heart breaking. I must wash that memory away with rum and start anew since we will be back at the pool tomorrow for round two. Hold me.