Sunday, January 01, 2006


How do I write about relatives, not blood-related mind you, and not have them find out and get totally busted. It would probably be best not to post it. But what the hell, the year is still young so let's give it a shot.

There are two daughter-in-laws in my husband's family. While I was the second to join, I was the first to shoot a girl-baby out of my cooch. I am therefore The Greatest Daughter-In-Law Ever. I was a non-entity for quite some time. Before we were married, I moved into a quaint downtown apartment with the now-hubby (SINNER!!!! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!!!). His mother didn't call him for several months despite being an atheistic-leaning agnostic. She warmed eventually, as did the dad, but it was sort of obvious that I was the crazy democrat who stole their baby and tricked him into marriage. I endured the initiation process by drinking wine coolers out of a plastic cup in the car on the way to visiting them or by drinking beer during visits. Sometimes both.

Then the girl-baby cooch thing happened. I invited my dad (remember folks, my mom is dead) and my in-laws to join us in the delivery room well before my due date. All of them sort of freaked out, but eventually the MIL said yes. FIL said he would say hello and then retire to the waiting room. My dad said the same thing. My mom is still dead, so she didn't say anything. Day of the birth comes and we call the parents. MIL & FIL come down. My dad is sick and stays home. As I drop the f-bomb throughout labor, the in-laws stay in the room, taking peeks at my cooch when the midwife says she can see the baby's head. My FIL took lots of pictures. OF. MY. COOCH. The sweet, sweet epidural made me not care. When the girl-baby shot out, the heavens opened, golden light surrounded me and angels sang, "You are the chosen one. You are now The Greatest Daughter-In-Law Ever." Or something like that.

Sidenote - My MIL wanted a sister, but got a baby brother. She wanted a daughter, but had two boys. I gave her that elusive girl-baby.

The original daughter-in-law and I did (and still do) everything differently. She had a C-section; I had a cooch birth. She had a boy; I had a girl. She stopped breast feeding the first month; I'm still at it at 2+ years. She went back to work after a week; I am still doing the full-time-mom thing. I did lots of research on parenting styles and childrearing; she bought Dr. Phil's book. She has a nanny five days a week; I have two mornings of preschool. I took Mommy & Me classes and still meet with a group every week; she was too busy working. Every mother is different and apparently every daughter-in-law is too. And I believe there is not just one way to be a good mother. Not so with my MIL who thinks I am The Greatest Daughter-In-Law Ever (TGDILE) and can do no wrong when it comes to mothering. So in a nutshell, that is how I became TGDILE.

A few other things have come to light recently that are cementing my place as TGDILE. I have never written my MIL a letter outlining the fact that she doesn't care for her grandchild and is making no effort. I have also never fired my MIL from her ½ day a week babysitting gig when the child was less than 10 months old. I have never ignored my MIL at family functions or parties. I have never kept the kid at home with a nanny while celebrating the 40th Anniversary of MIL & FIL. I have never gone on vacation without my kid. Nor have I gone out of town (w/o kid) and NOT offered them the opportunity to watch the kid or at least visit. I am not a crazy beeyotch who values money over family. No, folks, I am the crazy beeyotch who picks family over money every fucking time and is always broke.

So things are a bit tense at the mansion, no? Si.

PS - Did I mention that I have also never told my MIL she "obviously favors the other grandchild?" Ummm, maybe because I work my ass off to make sure The Girl and the grandparents see eachother every two or three freakin' weeks dumb ass. AND that we live more than an hour and a half away while the others are within 25 minutes? No? Well, maybe I should have.


Sugarmama said...

Oooh, I'd like a daughter-in-law like you someday! That is, if I ever have a son. Oh wait, that's not very PC these days is it? Well, anyways, I'd think you were most excellent, too, if I were your in-laws.

Monkey loves Kitten said...

Wow, you are totally gonna get in trouble for this. Ha ha! 'Bout time you spiced it up a little.

P.S. It's obvious you are doing all of this to make your SIL look bad. I know how you do. ;)