BETTER THAN A BONUS CHECK? NO, BUT...

Mothering isn't a glamorous job. And it pays for shit. And the self-confidence building? Not so much. But just occasionally, you get a little glimmer of validation. Today I got it in the form of a comment at the park.

The Girl and I went to the park where we met an 8-year-old girl. The Girl shared her sand toys with the older girl and they played for a bit. We went for a walk across the park without the other girl, leaving our sand toys behind. When we returned about 20 minutes later, a couple little kids (under 2) were playing with the sand toys. The dad asked The Girl if they could continue playing with them and she answered, "Sure. If you bring a toy to the park, you have to share it with everyone." Suddenly, the 8yo realized her shovel and bag were also being played with by the little ones. She ran over, grabbed them and said they were hers. Then she asked Grace why she shared her toys. Again The Girl answered that it was a rule to share her toys at the park. The older girl just shrugged. And at that moment I felt validated. I have done a good job raising my daughter to share. Next up, world peace.

HOW TO THREATEN A PRESCHOOLER

I have tried nearly everything to get my daughter to do things like stop jumping off high things or pick up her room. Nothing works. Bribes, also known as rewards, don't work. Threats of bodily harm don't work. Actual bodily harm doesn't work. Discussion of appropriate behavior does not work. Praise for good behavior? Doesn't frickin' work. So I shall list all the ways that don't work in order to brainstorm a new idea that will.

• Bad parent: Don't do that or I will give you a whuppin'.
• Concerned parent: Please stop that honey, you could get hurt.
• Loud parent: GET DOWN! I am NOT taking you to the emergency room!
• Graphic yet touchy-feely: If you fall, you are going to crack your head open and all of your brains will come out. How will that make you feel? It will make me soooo sad.
• Shame based: Stop that before someone who works here comes over tells you to stop.
• Bribe threat: If you don't stop, you won't get any gum/cookies/ice cream.
• Instant bribe: Stop it now and I will give you this gum. (Two minutes later threaten to take the gum back for non-compliance.)
• Errand-running parent: Stop that right now. We don't have time to go to the emergency room today. We still have to get dad's shirts at the dry cleaner.
• Teaching to hate the poor: Pick up your toys or I will take them to the Goodwill. I'm sure the less fortunate kids will take good care of them.

So by now I should have some fabulous ideas...but no. I ain't got nuthin. I am praying it is a phase.

OPERATION AGGRAVATION

This is what The Girl's agenda looked like on Friday:

• 6 am - wake up early (WTF? I usually sleep til 7:30! oh well!) and watch PBS while Daddy tries to snooze on the couch with me
• 7 - wake Mama up again, this time using the patented Cock-a-doodle-do (CADD) Method; Daddy goes back to bed
• 7:15 - annoy Mama by peeing in the shower (with Mama is in the shower too)
• 7:45 - wake Daddy up again using the CADD Method
• 8 - Cuddle up on couch wrapped in towels and comforter to watch more TV
• 8:30 - start snoring on the couch when Mama tries to feed me breakfast
• 9 - wake slowly and grudgingly as Mama tries to put tights and leotard on for tap class
• 9:30 - Wolf down a pb&j on the way to Starbucks (sheesh! Mama HAS to have a chai) then decide I need to pee just as we are getting back into the car
• 9:45 - tap my little heart out
• 11 - begin full frontal assault on Mama's nerves while at Costco by trying to touch everything and refusing to stay seated in cart (despite bribe of gum)
• 11:45 - back at home completely undress in order to go potty; get body wedged in toilet, butt in the water; drop tiara in toilet as I am helped out of predicament by Mama; gleefully climb into the bathtub for second bath of the day
• 12-12:45 pm - ignore hearty lunch, ignore new chalk for blackboard and continue to annoy Mama during her computer time
• 12:50 - ask to draw with chalk on front porch but actually run away to neighbor's house
• 12:52 - grudgingly return home when nosy neighbor thinks I shouldn't be outside alone
• 12:53 - Mama is mortified! Hahahahahahaha!
• 1:30 - wear Mama down so she agrees to take me swimming with friend
• 2-3 - as I get into the pool, say "The water is frickin' warm!" in front of friend and parent of friend; get out and pee on the grass behind planter at the pool (cuz I can't just pee in the pool like the rest of the frickin' kids); jump back in; swim; swim; swim; unknowingly splash Mama a lot; continue splashing after Mama points it out and asks me to stop; swim really well; jump in to Mama more
• 3-3:30 - get out, get dressed, have snacks, head for home
• 3:45 - look at fish store before going to Von's; writhe on floor after viewing all fish and anemones, dirtying pants a little
• 4 - continue Operation Aggravation in the brief 5-minute trip to Von's by first laying in the basket of the cart, then repeatedly squirming, completely dirtying my THIRD outfit of the day in the process.
• 4:30-5 - blah blah OpAg still going strong; play in backyard; chase cats around the yard; plead several times to be liberated from toy-filled backyard to unsafe & unmonitored front yard; say please; find only muddy spot in yard and squish it between toes; wipe most off outside, but attempt to "wash" feet in toilet; make mess; yell for help from mom; enjoy third bath (not counting swimming pool); eat apple & juice in the tub!
• 5:30 - Mama said I can't get out of bathtub until Daddy is home.
• 5:32 - Get out of bathtub without telling Mama. Oops, Dad's not home yet. Play in room with blocks and other fun stuff completely naked and wet because Mama says she's too crabby to deal with me.
• 6 - Daddy's home! Greet him as long lost hero.
• 6:02 - Begin Operation Aggravation on Daddy.
• 6:10 - Walk with parents to dinner up the street; dawdle; lose one fuchsia croc in middle of crosswalk as 10 cars wait; get indignant; drive Daddy over the edge while Mama walks ahead acting as if she doesn't know us; cry
• 6:30 - eat; talk loud; try to escape under table (BTW did you know there is gum under there?); put shoes on table; put feet on table; attempt to lay on table
• 7-8 - back at home try to stay away from Mommy and play only with Daddy, per Daddy's stern directions; follow Mama from room to room asking for stuff and telling her stories
• 8:30 - attempt to draw out bedtime by asking to read one million books; agree to three books
• 8:45 - lights out; tell Mama I'm not tired and run to Daddy; eat yogurt
• 9 - plead for teeeeeeveeeeeeee; get put back in bed; continue to anger Mama by saying "I'm not tired" despite red, droopy eyes and multiple yawns
• 9:02 - Uh oh, Mama called Daddy in for backup. Grudgingly go to sleep with mean Daddy while mean Mama does laundry.
• 9:05 - dream of ways I can perfect the CAAD Method and continue OpAg on both parents. Look sweet while sleeping.

So to recap: three baths, innumerable outfits, a tiara in the toilet, a stuck kid in toilet, feet in toilet, swimming, tap dance, eating, playing, making me crazy. Today was a bad one. Naps must be worked back into the rotation. Maybe tomorrow will be better. On the bright side, no one died.

MY CRAZY JUNIOR BAG LADY

My child just rescued a scrap of wrapping paper from the trash can. (editor's note: Yes, I know I should have recycled it in the first place, but shut up for a minute while I get to the point, OK?!?). She is having separation issues with things. Things like tires, dead plants, water bottle caps and apparently, used wrapping paper.

I had a flat tire last week and as the tow truck driver was taking the "worn out" tire off, she asked, "What are you going to do with my old tire? But I loooooooove my old tire!!!" Waaaaaaaa/cue tears. Seriously. She continued to cry when he put the tire in the trunk for repair later (even though we both knew it was a goner).

That night at Costco, as we used some of The Hubby's hard-earned bonus on four new tires for my car, The Girl again started to wail about how she loved her old tires and didn't want new ones.

She cried yesterday as I pulled several brown sticks that used to be coleus plants out of pots on the porch and replaced them with pretty new flowers.

Today's drama was the wrapping paper from a gift from Auntie Gerri. How heartless am I? I tossed it in the trash. She found it, saved it and wailed about my misdeed.

Could this be her way of dealing with loss/death? Or am I over analyzing? Am I pushing my death-agenda on her?

I think I will ask her teacher and the preschool director tomorrow. They know all about that developmental phase shit. Or maybe I will just Google "crazy junior bag lady compulsive horder."

THE LITTLE SHITTER

I can no longer empty The Kid's potty without vomiting. I need to put that plastic eyesore in the garbage tonight. Unfortunately, it is filled with shit right now and I would vomit if I went near it. This started about 10 days ago - the barfing, not the shitting. One day, I had no problem transferring her waste from the red plastic bucket thingy into the toilet. The next...urp, urp, BARF. First I thought I was pregnant, because I had a hair-trigger gag reflex when pregnant with The Girl. I peed on a stick and only saw one line. Days later I continued to barf but got my period, so pregnancy is ruled out. Now just the thought of it (shit), sends me heaving.

The Girl has no problems going on the "big potty," she just likes the scale of the little one. And who can blame the kid. Would you want to perch your bare ass on top of a mile-high Jacuzzi with no hand rails or footrest when there's a perfectly sized potty available? I didn't think so. So out of sight, out of mind. And goodbye gag reflex.

I called the The Hubby and let him know there is a "present" waiting for him. Tonight will be the night we say goodbye to the little shitter.

THE MOMTINI, THE MYTH & THE JUDGEMENT

Melissa Summers is one of my favorite bloggers because aside from being a witty writer and a mommy, she is sort of damaged. Like the rest of us. We all have our skeletons, Melissa just shares them with thousands of folks who read her blog, Suburban Bliss. Melissa was on the Today show on Friday discussing the "new" fad of cocktail playdates where mommies drink alcohol. (Side rant - WTF Today show??? Since when is this new? Have they never heard of Mother's Little Helper? At least it's only a drink or two and NOT AMPHETAMINES..."THEY WERE DOCTOR PRESCRIBED!!!!!" the 1969 housewife & mother of three screamed.) While I think Melissa did great, and loads of other mommy bloggers agree (and here too), it seems there is still a murmur of discontent. A current of judgement is bubbling up to the surface. Again, I say WTF? People. We are not drinking shots of Jack Daniels or Cuervo (or even Patron, but hey, that's a pretty good idea). When my mommy friends get together for a little soiree, we have *gasp* a couple mimosas or a glass of wine or even a TGIFriday's branded Long Island Iced Tea. At the park. With the kids. Apparently supervising them inadequately. And then we drive home. After an hour or two or three.

So, uptight America (and I'm gonna throw in Meredith Viera too because she was rather patronizing in the piece), LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP! It's a drink with friends while the kids are expending energy. How many parents will be sitting around watching the Super Bowl with a beer in hand? Are those parents not modeling good behavior for their kids? Geeez. Really. Lighten the fuck up, people. And if I have one more person tell me how they would just "never think of drinking in front of the kids," I will punch them right in the face. After I finish my wine of course.

Moms need to stick together. We need to tell Meredith Viera, that Dr. Lady and all the rest of uptight America that moms are on the job 24/7/365. My last day off? The day I got my colonoscopy. Woo hoo. Vacation. Moms need to decompress sometimes. We need a break. And when we don't get a break, a bottle of wine at playdate sure makes our lives seem a little less monotonous.

So in summary, just shut up about cocktails and stop judging. Let the moms have their little bit of whatever. And if you aren't a mom, for gods sake, call a friend who is and offer to babysit for her one evening. It could save the mommy from AA.

THE GIRL, UPDATED

The Girl has been well behaved lately, except for a huge daily drama from 4-5:30 p.m. At that point I look for the closest stranger and beg them to take her from me. I even offer them spare change and a Starbucks card with $3 on it. Still no one has taken her. Do you think I need to add something else, like a grilled cheese sandwich?

++++++++++++++++++++

We go to the park almost every day. If there are dogs there The Girl immediately heads over and asks the owner if she can pet them. They are always impressed by this and who the hell can resist a freckle-faced girl? She has actually made friends with quite a few dogs - Tiki the pug, Gidget the poodle, Rascal the lab, Kai the mutt, Kona the black lab, Spike the Boston Terrier - and lots more that we know by site. She is seriously into dogs and asks almost daily if she can get one. Of course I am a huge meanie and say no. I have explained that after cleaning up her poop for three years, I would like a break. Her new plea for a dog includes, "I can feed it and walk it and clean up its poop" said in a sing-song voice. My answer is still no. I can resist the freckle-faced girl.

++++++++++++++++++++

We started The Girl in a tap & jazz class offered through the city. She really like the movie Happy Feet (a tap-dancing penguin is shunned, then accepted, the end) and I figured it would be a good way to expend her energy. She liked it and was thoroughly exhausted after it. I can't wait till next week. I think I want a pair of tap shoes. They just sound so cool.

DELTA SUCKS

Can you believe a woman was recently kicked off a Delta Airlines flight for discreetly breastfeeding her child!? Here's an article on it and another follow-up piece. When will people learn that boobies are for more than selling beer? Sheesh.

HOW I FOUND OUT REWARDS & BRIBES ARE BAD

The Girl & I have been at the in-laws since Wed. evening since the Hubby is in Florida for work. Yesterday I was able to get away for five hours of alone time. What did I do, you ask. A mani-pedi? A massage? A little retail therapy? No, I went to a parenting class in Santa Barbara. Because I am a giver. And because I truly feel like I need a lot of help with my parenting skills, as does nearly every mom I know. But VenturaMom, you say, you have mAd muTHR sKilZ. Um, nope. They're not so dope (feel free to hit me for that if you ever see me in real life).

The presentation by Dr. Aletha Solter was an overview of her Aware Parenting philosophy. It is much like the attachment parenting style I have used with The Girl, with the primary difference in the discipline aspect.

Preventing issues that can lead to behavior that is undesirable (ie: coloring on the wall with a Crayon) is one part of it. You are responsible for teaching your child what is the appropriate (we always color on paper, at the activity table). You need to make sure they have the physical tools handy (have paper available for your child) and encourage creativity. This is actually one example that has worked very well for us. We made it clear to The Girl she is only allowed to color on her table in her room. Paper and crayons are always available. She now has an easel as well and knows she cannot move the chalk or markers from the easel tray.

Dr. Solter also covered non-punitive discipline. I am still getting my head around a couple of the concepts. No punishment of any kind - physical, verbal, consequential (ie: time-out). The no rewards or bribes (stickers=bad) part blew me away. She teaches that none of these methods will teach a child to think on her own and become an "autonomous problem-solver." For example, if a child is rewarded with a sticker after every time she goes potty on the toilet, she will come to expect rewards for something she should do anyway. Same goes for a reward system for brushing teeth, household chores, etc. They need to be shown love/acceptance/appreciation constantly, not because they have an artificial goal. According to Solter, children who are punished or rewarded feel controlled, while a democratic approach to parenting includes setting boundaries, teaching acceptable behaviors, and being very aware of the child's feelings (as well as your own) creates a healthy, balanced, peaceful child.

Of course there is a lot more to it. But she did give me a glimpse of the mother I wish I could be. Peaceful is such a big, important word for me. I strive for it, but rarely achieve it. I don't want to threaten to pinch The Girl to elicit cooperation. That makes me a tyrant. I don't want to bargain for a few more minutes on the computer by giving her a lollipop. That makes me controlling. But how do you get that peaceful, cooperative, democratic family? Practice, I guess.

Read up if you like. I know I will.