We're back home for a couple weeks and we brought Dad's dog home with us. Now I have a 2-year-old and a Jack Russell. Oh gawd, what have I done. Have you ever tried to walk a dog with a 2-year-old? Cluster fudge. Twice a day? Double cluster fudge. And there is way too much poop in my life now.
Now on to some letters I have been meaning to write:
Dear inventor of Polly Pockets (tiny dolls with even tinier clothes and accessories):
Fuck you. What were you thinking? Tiny things are everywhere! Do you hate mothers? Are you some sort of misogynistic creeps trying to send us over the edge? I hate you bastards and my daughter only has three Polly Pockets. All three Pollys and the tiny pieces of hate-filled accessories are going into the trash today. Die, die, die Polly.
Dear Grandmother of The Girl:
Please, please, please stop with the stuffed animals already. And the dolls (especially the Cabbage Patch since it gives me the creeps). We live in a charming but tiny house and there is no need to fill it to the rafters with toys that just take up space. Please buy the kid more books. But stop buying pop-up books because she immediately destroys them and you get your feelings hurt. She is two.
PS - Just because we live in a tiny house doesn't mean we need tiny dolls. See above.
Dear anyone who plans to come over to our house in the next week:
My house is a mess. I know. I have been away from home for all or part of the last three weeks. I have a husband, toddler and now a dog, so it takes a bit of time to get things back in order. I have been trying to mop the floors for five days so that the 2'x2' area of sticky goo (yogurt?) The Girl dropped in front of the TV no longer traps dust bunnies and unsuspecting children. I did manage to sweep and swiffer and remove the cobwebs from the ceiling. And hey! I cleaned the furnace so we have heat without that horrible burning smell! But don't look under the couch cushions.
I miss you. I have been away from my beloved computer too long. I tried to catch up on reading you yesterday while The Girl napped, but two hours just wasn't enough (also, see above). I will spend more time with you this weekend, I promise.
Your presidency is a sham. The election that put you in the White House to begin with was a sham. You employ criminals, thugs and sycophants. Please, oh please, just sit quietly and do nothing for the next couple years. Every move you make is wrong. I hate you.
That's all for now, folks. Tune in later for more insight into my boring, harried, but somehow totally enjoyable life.